Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The quintessence of love


I am always in awe as a Christian when I hear preacher, teachers and Ministers of the gospel speak on the topic of love. My amazement is due to our well choreograph and articulate speeches concerning God’s love towards us, how we aught to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, love our wives as Christ love the church and gave his life for it, and to always love our enemies.

As we all know most of these teachings are more easily said than done and of course I am not discounting them in anyway. However my concern is how the church has abandoned the reality and the myriad of issues that face the love between a man and a woman. Loving one’s wives as Christ love the church and a woman being submissive to her husband in reality does not happen without major challenges. This is no new revelation, Even from the beginning after God blessed the union of Adam and Eve the evidence of walking together as a couple but not being on one accord began to emerge in their relationship when Eve decided to submit to the will of Satan rather than the will of God and her husband.

In the quintessence of love teaching today it is imperative that I not only take this love between a man and a woman from a realistic point of view, but make inclusive what our teachers have shun away from, that has left the average believer or person for that matter with no answers to the difficulties and challenges that faces their relationship.

The word quintessence is defined as the pure and concentrated essence of a substance or the most perfect embodiment of something. In simple terms it speaks to the heart and soul of a person, matter or thing.

So my initial approach to this is how a couple transforms from being so much in love, endless hours on the phone, the I love you, can’t wait to see you etc. to can someone please explain to me once again how in the world did I end up with this person?

Now the bible is clear and it says, “How can two walk together except they agree” Amos 3:3. Now most folks are under this grand illusion that because two are walking together (being married or in a relationship) they are in fact in accordance with one another. For those of us that are in a reality based relationships we are fully aware that the agreement that is understood in this passage of scripture speaks not of the walk but the role and support of each other as it relates to goals, vision and ultimately the future direction of the relationship. This agreement would have also deciphered the male as the head and his wife of partner being his support or help mate.

The quintessence of love, most importantly speaks primarily to the whole idea of being proactive in the relationship as opposed to being reactive. To be proactive is to initiate change in advance of events, rather than reacting to events or things that are impromptu, suggesting that our teachers and counselors became involve after the fact. This is a reactive behavior. The truth is when a man and a woman agree to be exclusive in a relationship there are really four parties involved. The primary party obviously would be the male and female that agreed to have this relationship. The additional parties would be the desires and fantasies of both individuals that have yet to be communicated between each other, however these desires and fantasies somehow becomes imprisoned in their minds with the assumption that telepathically they would be communicated.

This seemingly insignificant scenario if left unchallenged provides the breading ground for confusion that results in frustration and ends in separation. Again this provides a partial answer to the transformation from “I am so in love with you” to “How the hell did I ever become involved with you”. Unfortunately as Christians when these inevitable problems arise our leaders saturate us with a multitude of scriptures coated with a seasoning of prayer and believe the problems are solved, Again which I do not discount, however the origin of the problem has yet to be addressed.

The second scenario speaks to feelings generated by one or both parties, not towards each other but directed to persons outside of the relationship. In simple terms being in love with someone else other than your partner. These are the types of issues that are suppressed in our churches and plastered with “wives be submissive and husbands love your wives”. Yet, never addressing the reasons as to how or why these feelings came about. I want to make clear that I am not placing a stamp of approval on adultery or anything related to it, but to address these very common matters from a realistic point of view.

The conception of these problems began in the minds of these individuals and the birth was the display in their actions. Of course as you would realize this now produces confusion, because it appears as if you’re saying one thing to me (I love you) but your actions (lying , cheating, mood swings etc.) speaks to something entirely contrary to your words………..  How did we get here?

Well, getting there was simple and the simplicity of it was a major lack of understanding between both parties. Jesus made a profound statement to his disciples in Matthew 13: 13-15, he was quoting the prophet Isaiah, “For by hearing you will hear and not understand and by seeing you will see but not perceive”. He now begins to explain by first addressing the heart (mind) because all issues originate from the heart/mind of man. Jesus elaborates that their ears have become dull of hearing and their eyes have bin closed. Now, for clarity he is not just speaking about physical eyes and ears here but the ability to comprehend effectively what is being communicated to you. As proof of this he further elaborates, “Least at anytime they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and should UNDERSTAND with their HEART thus resulting in a conversion or change.

So this basically dispels the old adage that most separations or differences between couples are due to a lack of communication. Communication is the impartation or interchange of thought, opinions or information by speech, writings or signs. It is also the means of exchanging information between two or more parties. So here is where the problem comes in, that is so frequently overlooked by preachers, teachers, advisors etc. Let’s use for an example a wife says to her husband that she doesn’t like the way he speaks to her in public settings, the husband responds by saying he doesn’t see anything wrong with the way that he speaks to her in public setting.

Now, according to the definition of communication, this couple has communicated, however both individuals have an entirely different UNDERSTANDING of what is being communicated. The wife is expressing how she “feels” concerning how her husband speaks to her. On the other hand the husband categorizes her complaint as an issue of what is right or wrong. So, as you can clearly see how understanding becomes the crux cause in the quintessence of love between a man and a woman. It is only when this root cause is addressed that we can then apply the applicable scriptures and prayers.

As a result my dear readers, I strongly suggest to you that you carefully analyze your relationship and review those original desires and fantasies that you once had concerning your partner and begin transferring those thoughts from your head and verbally communicating them to your partner with a concentrated effort of developing an understanding of how you feel, what you desire etc. Our error begins by believing that our partners should figure out what’s going on in our heads and when this doesn’t happen we begin to lose focus and  look else where for these desires and affections and exchanging them with others outside of the relationship.

As you would recall Jesus said, “You have ears but you can not hear, you possess eyes but you can not see, therefore your end result is a tragic lack of  understand. There is a song called “For the first time” by the singer Rod Stewart, In his song he begins to say to his wife that he’s been looking at her forever but has really never seen her, for the first time he’s looking in her eyes. He then ask her is these her hands, is that your smile, suggesting that he never took the time to understand this person that he has been with for so many years…… Could this be a clip from your life?

My words of wisdom for this wonderful Tuesday morning, put aside the past, do away with the assumptions, kick to the curb what should have, could have happened, and make up in your mind to discover what has been hidden in your relationship for so many years that was either overlooked or un-forgiveness has deprived you of it. We only live once my dear readers, and I am told that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before. Do not allow fear to control you. The bible says that there is no fear in love and perfect or complete love do away with fear. So if your life is saturated with fear then I suggest to you according to biblical principles you have a serious love deficiency.


Heavenly Father, I thank you for this wonderful morning that you have decided to grace us with the impartation of your wisdom. It is my prayer that you open the eyes and ears of every reader of this article, and super naturally empower them with understanding. Your word declares that wisdom is the principle thing therefore get wisdom, and in all thy getting we must get understanding. I now come in agreement with your word and call these things done in Jesus name. Amen!



Written by: Kevin L A Ewing
kevinewing@coralwave.com